When I finally decided that I was going to stop living inside other people’s ideas of how I should be living my life, raising my children, and pursuing my goals, I became free. It was a freedom that I had never experienced before. You see, my entire life, I had hid every single little detail about who I was and where I had come from, except with those who I trusted enough to divulge the dirty details. And even then, you could know me for years on top of years before I would tell you that I was born into foster care and that I was a homeless street kid from when I was 12 until somewhere inside my 18th year. I made sure that to look at me, you would NEVER guess those things about me. I wanted a fresh slate. I wanted people to give ME a chance for who I was, but what ended up happening is I started to attract other people who kept secrets and who weren’t emotionally free, and who would do whatever it took to keep those secrets. That is not what I wanted, not at all. My point in writing all of this is to tell you that when we hide who we are, we never attract the right kind of people into our lives. And if we are attracting the wrong people into our lives over and over again, well, it’s sort of like tying two cement blocks to your legs and jumping into deep water. You would have to fight like hell to get back to the surface until the fighting feels too exhausting and you just succumb to the events of your existence. I know in my heart that just because you’ve gotten used to something mediocre, it doesn’t mean you don’t want better for yourself. When I was leaving my marriage, all I could think was “how did I get myself into this mess,” and “this can’t possibly be it.” And I was right. There is so much more waiting for you on the other side of getting this work done, so stay with me here:
So, first things first: if there is anything you are hiding, you don’t have to go and tell the world like I’ve chosen to do in my work here, with you, but you do have to acknowledge it. Take a pen and some paper and write down the big secrets: the ones you don’t want anyone to know about you because you feel like they would judge you, reject you, leave you, kick you out of their lives, betray your confidence…whatever it is, write it down (you can always shred it later) and let’s dissect it. Let’s take it apart and figure out what the worst-case scenario is for each thing you don’t want people to know about you. Let’s be honest here, we always go to the worst-case scenario when we feel threatened. We feel like we’re going to die or something quite close, so it sets our nervous system into high gear, our palms start to sweat, our heartbeat increases rapidly, and our thoughts get muddled. So, we know there’s something there. I think once you get clear on those things, and remove the emotion out of it and just look at the facts, you don’t have to hide it OR talk about it if you don’t want to, but you can simply let it go and let it not be the monkey on your back that you’ve been carrying around for 10, 20 or 30+ years. Are you following me?
This is the key to attracting good people in your life: doing the work. Figuring out who you are and what you want and why you’re here. Understanding that each person has a soul who is trying to fulfill its purpose for being here and it’s only the human journey part of this that is keeping you scared, filling you with negative emotion and misunderstanding the whole reason for it all. We are not meant to live inside our fears…we are meant to understand our experiences as lessons and tools and keep going. And it’s your choice to allow the events of your life to keep you down, just like it’s your choice to see everything as a challenge to lift you up.
I said this to a client the other day: you and I are the same. We truly are. Whatever you see in me and like in me or my strength or my journey, it’s because you have that in you. You just don’t see it yet … it’s coming through as a desire, but it’s already there. And my job is to help you bring it to the surface. That’s exactly why, for whatever reason, I was put in front of you and you’re reading or listening to this right now. The same goes for if you don’t particularly fancy me: you’re seeing something in you that you don’t like for some reason, and it’s ringing strong. A friend of mine says that we are all the same: what I see in you, good or bad, is something that I see in me, good or bad, that’s why I can recognize it at all. And that we have to remember the person behind the perceived bad thing they are doing and try to help raise them up because in doing that, we are helping (and healing) ourselves. Kind of interesting, right? So, when we call someone a jerk, we are sort of saying that we, too, are jerks. This is an profound thing I found in my healing journey because it stopped my thinking dead in its tracks and gave me permission to see the good and focus on the good and start moving forward. I wish I could say that I'm there 100% of the time, because I'm not, but still working on it.
This is how we can foster and sustain healthy relationships and friendships. We have to get real; we have to want the change and we have to practice the effort. We have to acknowledge the good in whatever circumstance we’re in and we have to stop being afraid of what other people will think. But we have to put a time limit on it. We just do or it will stay a desire and won't move into actual action. On that note, when I realized that most people are so consumed with their own lives and their own drama, I came to the huge conclusion that I was making EVERYONE’S life about me. And that’s pretty crazy right. Pretty much nobody cares what I’m wearing, what I’m working on and how I’m delivering it. Most people just want to know how they can solve a problem, any problem in any given moment, and that’s pretty much it. So, don’t worry about what others are thinking. When we step out into our true selves, yes there will many people who will feel threatened by your confidence and try to keep you in their comfort zone, but the truth of the matter is that once you get on your path, the universe will literally open all the doors for you, and you have to start making some adjustments to your friend group. And that’s just the truth. Have you ever read that you are the sum of the five people you hang around with the most? It’s true, mama. So, you better have some good people around you supporting you, helping you up and speaking your language.
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